waiting waiting waiting

waiting for... something to happen. what exactly?

hell if I know.

TRASHED

This weekend is going to be a glorious break from my exhausting, semi-stressful summer. Parentals are going camping, therefore I am forcing my brother to supply beer pong & shenanigan essentials (like I'll need to force him). This will be the first time I will be allowing myself to enjoy intoxication since the end of June. July was pretty busy family-wise so I haven't been going out much, and my job kills me during the week so I have no social life Monday-Friday anyways.

I shall kick start the weekend with some relaxing hookah with Carly Friday night and we'll see what happens from there.

I cannot fucking wait.

neglected thoughts

I did not forget about this...it's just that I'm so exhausted in the summer from my job that I haven't had the energy (and hardly the time) to relay thoughts. So I'm making a quick update of the last two months in the following summaries:

• Went to Jamaica. It was nothing like I expected, aside from the weather. Gorgeous skies, but not the Sandals commercial I imagined. They don't depict the poverty, the simplistic stores and restaurants, or the neglected children in those commercials. Imagine that. I did enjoy it though, but was glad to come home after ten days.
• Babysitting. Exhausting like I said but worth the $200 I'm paid in cash each week. Which I've been trying hard to save. Not working out too well =/
• Re-doing my room. The paint is done, everything is spray painted, and I have my new sheets & comforter. Now I just have to buy my new furniture, sew my curtains, and organize everything.
• Summer of Health. EPIC fail. So much of an epic fail that the lady working at the grocery store asked me, "So, you're having a baby, right?" Um no. I'm just fat.
• Getting things straightened out & ready for school.
• Kings Island. Haven't been in awhile but I did go a lot in July.

And that's what has kept me busy this summer. I tend to think that I'm lazy and hardly do anything on the weekends but when I look back on what I did this summer, I realize that I HAVE done a lot, just not everything I wanted to accomplish. Whatever, I figured as much seeing as how that happens every summer.

As for the summer of health, I have become so pathetic that I literally just googled "What to do instead of eating". I'm not going all anorexic, more like what to do when you're bored instead of eating. I don't even eat that much but I do have snack binging days and I don't ever realized I'm doing it half the time. And I guess I could cut back on what I eat during actual meals. And make better choices. And exercise more. I thought watching two girls ages 8 & 9 would get me plenty of exercise this summer, especially since I take them to parks and whatnot all the time, but I guess not. I want to get this health thing going, the problem for me is just starting it. I guess I'll keep trying ?

Wild and Free

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more..."

--Lord Byron

I just watched "Into the Wild" and I was absolutely enthralled. Words cannot explain how much I loved this movie. There is a scene about halfway in that literally brought tears to my eyes, when the main character is jumping off of a cliff into a lake and running with wild horses. This brings to mind the quote by Thoreau: "The best things in life are wild and free."

Is this true? I look at my own life and never have I ever felt completely wild and free. I have yet to experience that total lack of control, to the point where you let yourself go and start to really live.

Am I going in the right direction to get there? I sure hope so. But when am I ever sure of things?

Intelligent Design

I'd like to take the time to rant about something that went on in one of my classes a couple of weeks ago. It was my Biology of Human Reproduction class and the topic of the day was Evolution. One of the first things my professor asked was who didn't believe in Evolution. I raised my hand, and she automatically threw at me "Why?" in an almost offensive manner. I was quick to clarify that I believe in adaptation to a certain point, but I don't believe in Evolution as the basis of life because I was raised in a Christian household and I believe in God. Dear lord, help me. Saying that in an art school class is like swearing in a church. I could feel the tension shoot up several levels after I said that out loud. My professor went on to say that there was lawsuit in some state about a parent arguing that Intelligent Design (i.e. God) should be required in a Biology curriculum when discussing the origin of life. She then went on to say that no Biology teacher should ever be forced to teach this because it was not a proven theory such as Evolution, therefore has no place among the scientific theories that we are taught.

It was as if I had offended her with my answer, and I had personally enforced Intelligent Design on atheist Biology teachers everywhere. She said she respects every one's views, but her attitude says otherwise. I'd like to point out that I've been forced to sit and learn Evolution in Biology classes throughout my education and I have not complained once. I believe in the choice to coexist, that no one religion is necessarily correct, but rather everyone's faith will bring them to a place of purpose. I believe in God and some people at this school would label me as a fool because of this. But honestly, I don't care because I have my faith and they can have whatever they have. I couldn't get through this life if I didn't have anything to believe in, because what really is the point of life then? But I won't let my religious views get too biased here. All I have to say is you worry about what you believe and let me worry about what I believe. It won't help to feel sorry for other people or disrespect what they have faith in.

Jane Austen

Just watched The Jane Austen Book Club. Now I want to go out and get all six of Jane Austen's novels and read them.

One Week

Is this it? Is it really this close to the end of freshman year? Why do I feel the exact same? I suppose this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I feel like living away from home for approximately eight months should have noticeably changed me. I don't feel any different, but do I appear different in any way? Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Maybe my subtle transformation will slowly start to reveal itself as I adjust to living back home; as I attend the University of Cincinnati in the fall. One cannot predict these things.

So how do I feel? Glad as fuck to be moving back home, sadly. Never thought I'd ever hear myself say that. I mean, sure, experiences have been had living away from home that first year, but I honestly felt like my experiences were somewhat lacking. I'm not saying I wish I had been drunk just as often as the rest of my peers, except really, I am kind of saying that. Okay, let's rephrase this: I wish I had gone out more often, taken advantage of all Chicago has to offer. I just didn't try hard enough, I guess. It's my own fault, really.

But I have plenty of time to be drunk the rest of my life, so did I honestly miss out on anything? No, I don't believe I did. It would have been nice to spend some weekends mischievously behaving along with other students who are on their own for the first time as well, but I'm only nineteen and I have so much time left to do this. So what if I'm getting started a little late.

And I can say there were a few times I participated in reckless teenage/college behavior first semester. This past semester I just wasn't actually in Chicago very often on the weekends. But whatever, life is not all about the booze and the weed and whatever else you want to involve with your shenanigans. And fun can be had without the influence of substances. But every now and then I am not opposed to heightening that fun in certain ways.

You know what really sucks though? I hung out with a friend from a class last night and I had a great time. Figures I would finally be making some connections outside the comfort of my roommates the last weekend we are here. Because I won't lie; a large part of why I'm going home was the lack of connections I was making. I have this great roommate who I got along with wonderfully, who I had similar living habits with, but it can be hard having only one friend in this large of a city. Hanging out one on one can be fun and chill but sometimes I crave some group socializing. I mean, I have close knit group of friends back at home, and I love hanging out with my two best friends. But even we get sick of each other every so often and see what other people are up to or what parties are going on. It's just a basic instinct to want to be part of that bigger crowd at times, to be part of an energy mixed with good times and laughter.

So all in all, freshman year wasn't so bad. But I have a feeling sophomore year will be so much better.

Late Night

Failing. Lost. Friends. Found. Happy. Regret. Sad. Euphoric. Elated. Overjoyed. Lamented. Creative. Words. Writing. Journals. Summer. Smoke. Running. Sun. Healing. New. Friends.

This is what's swirling around in my head at the moment. Take it in, make interpretations, and come to conclusions. Report back to me, because even I don't know how to make sense of it all.

God, Cigarettes, and the Summer

Oh, God. No, literally. Not in the swear way. I promise. I haven't thought about God in quite some time. It's been years, really. I've gone to church, but I can honestly say that I haven't prayed in over four years. I have this, somewhat loose, spiritual connection. I know He exists, but I'm not entirely sure where my life comes in here, and how deep our "relationship" is, or can be. I just don't have the time or energy to think about it too much. I mean, life in and of itself is so damn distracting and confusing and then thinking about God and that whole other life beyond life makes makes my head spin just a little. Maybe this makes me a "weak" Christian? I have the faith, but I don't want to make any effort beyond that faith. I don't want to think about how I'm going to need to alter some areas of my life in order to coincide with what it means to be a "good" Christian. Maybe it just isn't my time. Okay, so God. Just sit tight and relax for now. I think I'm getting there, but it's going to take some time.

So what do cigarettes have to do with God? They are just one reason why I know He exists. Oh, how I love cigarettes. Thank you God, really, thanks. I could not be here in Chicago, trying to get everything done, without the reprieve of a smoke break. Cancerous...maybe. Wonderful, I think yes.

As for summer? HURRY THE FUCK UP.

Free

The sun sets,
on the warmed hearts,
the flushed faces,
the creative children.

The fireflies are unleashed,
upon fields of optimism,
and indigo skies.

Take me away,
to this night I long for,
in the dead of winter,
when the fireflies are frozen.

The night is serene,
a cool sancutary,
from the sweat of the sun.

This place is where I feel,
most like the person I want to be.

The scent is calm,
it surrounds everything,
on this summer night.

Thank you.

I've been lost for awhile. Lost how? Not in the literal sense of the word, no. I know where I am (generally) but I've been lost in the more broader definition. Lost "spiritually" or "mentally", if you will. And this has created a road block for me, and more specifically, in my writing. I've hardly gone anywhere with my writing since hitting this block, and I don't even know when it first began. Last semester was okay. Not my best work, but I wasn't exactly struggling like I am now. It's as if I've lost any creativity that I've ever possessed. And now, now that I've decided to come home, it's slowly returning. Ironic, huh? I came to this damn city for my writing, and now that I'm leaving I finally am getting back to that place that my writing has provided for me. I'm gaining that creative "juice" back, going full speed ahead, and yet I'm leaving Columbia's fiction writing and going into pre-med. Maybe it's a sign? Maybe I'm not supposed to be writing in a structured environment. It will go back to being just something to do in my free time, instead of it being a top priority like it is for class. And I'm okay with that. Writing is my outlet, but sometimes I just don't have the time, energy, or discipline to sit down and write something "great" for class. I'd rather sit down on my own time and write when I feel like, as opposed to having to do it. God, it will be great to be in that particular place once again.

So I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks to who? Thanks to the road block that's finally disappearing.

Painted Thoughts

Paint to the canvas, please.
Paint from the brush,
stroke by stroke,
enough for a touch.

I'm not an artist,
in the artist sense of the word.
I've got words,
but do I have talent,
for the brush?

Give me paint,
and I'll try to give you something in return.
No guarantees.

Anything But Work

And once again I find myself in a place where I can get absolutely nothing done. Why is that? Fuck if I know. The only thing I do know is that I am unable to push myself to even start something. It's not as if it's that difficult. Because, really, it's not. It's just motivation that's missing here. I don't know where it went. I just know it hasn't been here for while. Maybe it's just on a really long sabattical.

So I only have two and a half weeks left. Maybe my motivation will be courteous enough to show up by time I need everything turned in?

Lame

Is it lame for me to have a blog? is blogging lame? I'm sure those who find a profession in blogging beg to differ, but in this culture blogging has always been considered "nerdy". Only those who have no time, no life really, take time to blog about their ideas & goals. I recently read a distant friend of mine's blog, and it was very meaningful & thoughtful and you know...sometimes it's easier to take the time & write a blog as opposed to sitting down and writing in a journal. Writing in a journal can be soulfully satisfying, but blogging is more convienient to those who spend a vast majority of their time online (like myself). And really, when it comes down to it, it's all about getting your thoughts out there in the world, so who cares what medium you choose to do this with?

So I've decided, blogging is not as lame as people make it out to be. That's why I'm creating my very own blog, because it makes me feel better when I get my thoughts down onto a more concrete setting. Even if no one is reading this, it really doesn't matter. What matters is my own ideas are being documented so I can back in the future and see my "self progress". What essentially matters is the fact that I have no pent up emotions to randomly burst at any moment. This is my outlet.

So for anyone who has deemed blogging as a "geek sport", well you just don't have an open enough mind to consider what blogging can do for you.